balance

“Balance” is a mystical/mythical condition in which we are – supposedly – able to equitably meet our physical, financial, emotional, spiritual and other well-being needs while achieving our Dreams.  

It’s a wonderful concept – which provides much fodder for personal and professional coaches, speakers and self-help writers – but it has its limitations. 

The truth is: we can’t have it all – at least not all at once.

So, most days, by sheer force of competing necessities, the best we can hope to achieve is a “Perfectly Unbalanced Life”.  Life has “Seasons” of widely varying composition and duration, as well as moment-to-moment “tipping points”, and we have to give each its due in its own time. 

“I believe the concept of balance in life is just an elusive myth that floats through the culture, serving only to render women guilty for having failed at one more thing.  Life does not come at us in regularly modulated units.   Rather, it pounds away at us unevenly, with twists and turns and in torrents.  Our vision should not be this myth of balance, but rather the understanding that we were born resilient, with the ability to survive, flourish and bounce back from adversity.  Let’s stop pointing out all of the problems women face and talk about solutions such as learning skills and strategies to enhance resilience so that women can further develop their innate strength, step forward on the paths they choose and know they have the ability to succeed.  This is a better vision for women – and a true[r] one.”
Teena Long Cahill, Psy.D., Newsweek Magazine, 2005

Importantly, “balance” is NOT about getting everything we want when we want it. 

We can achieve the operational equivalent of balance – i.e., a dynamic rather than a static equilibrium while continuing to move forward – by first establishing firm “anchorings” from which we can operate substantially OFF balance ... with cultivated resilience … reasonably fulfilling our basic needs, and THEN fulfilling our more life-enriching needs.  NOTE:  Television, video games and smart phones generally do not meet either basic or life-enriching needs nor do they serve as viable “anchorings”.  Unburdening ourselves from such diversions, as well as from unproductive harborings and habits, will provide the surest and fastest approach toward re-balancing.   

True “balance” across the entire spectrum of life is about capacitization, sustainability, wise choices, wise time management and total intentional living.  And it’s about knowing what “floats your boat” – what provides optimal regenerative/restorative/re-energizing/enlifening/rejuvenating resilience – and engaging it early and often. 

“Each of us has the ability to take some amount of control over our lives.  We have to learn to focus on what we can control, and stop worrying about what we cannot control.”  
                                                                                    Terry Healey, cancer survivor

a perfectly unbalanced life

“You can’t fight nature.  You need to balance the sedentary part of your day with an active part.  Not just because you should.  Not just to lose weight or to achieve the abstract notion of fitness, but to accomplish a basic biological need.  There are other kinds of balance [as well].  However much you love your work, you still need a vacation.  However much you love your family, you still need some time alone.”  [AARP Magazine, September/October 2007             Steven Slon]

Much has been written – and will continue to be represented as “gospel” – by pandering experts claiming a moral imperative for all the rest of us to drop back from the rat race and balance everything.  More specifically, we are admonished to go out and tip-toe through the daisies, imbibe sunsets, and, generally, “End the Struggle and Dance with Life” to keep us from coming psychologically and emotionally unglued.  While there is certainly more than enough stress in life to leave permanent psychological and emotional scars on all of us, I have found this advice not only difficult to follow, but antithetical to the way life really works.  There are critical times when each dimension of life requires concentrated tending to the exclusion of almost everything else. 

REFERENCE:  Seventh grade, Fairview Township-Karns City Joint High School, Butler Co, PA, circa 1956.  Mr. Reiser, General Science teacher, singled me out to perfect the workings of a perpetual motion machine.  This machine, which his “home-spun engineer” father proposed, was based on the underlying principle that perpetual motion would be possible if one could only create the appropriate, “perfectly unbalanced” conditions.

The prototype model consisted of an 18 inch diameter plywood disk upon which were anchored six copper cylinders, each containing free-floating ball bearings.  The challenge was to arrange the six cylinders on the plywood disk in such a way as to force the wheel to rotate spontaneously (“perpetually”) while seeking to catch up with its “perfectly unbalanced” self as the ball bearings moved back and forth in the cylinders, driven by gravity. 

It was a grand plan, but it didn’t work.  Of course, at that time, both Mr. Reiser and I were unaware of the universal laws of physics which deny the workings of such a contraption:  Eventually (actually, almost immediately!), it would find its perfectly unbalanced “equilibrium point” and stop moving.  [Ironically, some years later, as part of the “grunt” work assigned to the lowliest Assistant Professor of Biochemistry, I found myself teaching these laws of physics to biomedical sciences and medical students!]

Nonetheless, I found the concept of a “Perfectly Unbalanced System” to be a fitting metaphor for life.  Three basic premises of the concept are:  1. Nothing can start or move forward until you lean far enough off dead center to get it moving; 2. “You can’t have it all – at least not all at once!”; and 3.   “Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.”  In fact, if we did everything the “experts” tell us we should do for a healthy, sane, profitable and fulfilling life, we would need a 40/10 life schedule!   But there are times we just CAN’T “stop and smell the roses”, and there are times we just MUST.  So, how do we make it all work? 

The first – and most important – key is to develop and maintain a constitution that can function “off-balance”; i.e., a constitution that has not only a plethora of skills/aptitudes and adaptabilities, but a built-in gyroscope to keep us “level-headed” when sent reeling. 

The second key is to identify and engage the best anchoring point(s) we can find – something(s) we can always count on as a foundation, as well as for restoration/regeneration/recalibration of the system.  An anchoring element might include a physical location, an aphorism/philosophy or First Principle, a “Guiding Light”, a family or cultural grounding, etc.  An additional personal anchoring point for me has been the indeterminate future: No combination of factors or forces can unseat me and my Destiny from wherever it is we’re going – because we’re not EVER giving up.  (Maybe it’s the “never-give-up” attitude that actually serves as the anchor?  In any case, the combination has a powerful anchoring impact.) 

Key three is to get rid of the extraneous.  Define what is necessary and what is not and eliminate the not.  There are certain things we can’t or shouldn’t do at certain times and VERY SPECIFIC things one shouldn’t do AT ALL.

These keys are illustrated by the workings of a kite.  A kite, though light, must, first, be sturdy enough to hold its own against the wind.  Second, it must be anchored to the ground if it’s going to soar at all; the tighter the anchor and stiffer the wind, the higher it will rise!  And, obviously, baggage of any kind is an impediment.  However, interestingly, in a wind of sufficient force, it can carry a significant payload. 

Key four is to practice “Revolving Door Channeling” (RDC): the art of moving – “perfectly unbalanced” – among multiple priority endeavors, “nudging” each forward its own first/next incremental amount, and moving on.  The principle here is that highly focused activities can only be productively sustained for short periods.  Practice can lengthen the duration, but value – including synchronicity – is gained by interim periods of “incubation”, research and “simmering”.  Know when to quit.  Don’t perseverate in a vacuum.  And don’t be paralyzed or proselytized by perfectionism or absolute fairness.  Perfectionism and absolute fairness, in fact, are impediments to getting us off the launch pad.  Both are achieved in small steps – by multiple increments of RDC.  Start where you can and work UP. 

The fifth and final key is: Start early!  Whatever you’re going to “grow”, get the seeds in the ground NOW.  RDC, incubation, research and simmering will be of little consequence unless the seeds are germinating.  “Overnight Successes” have, in fact, been germinating a long time.  And those who appear to thrive on “Last Minute Management” generally have a vast wealth of resources already in reserve.    

Moral: Lean so far forward (i.e., unbalanced) in the direction of success as to force its attainment.

 

Ancillary Considerations
For a “Perfectly Unbalanced Life”

Cost of Living
An important sustaining element in “Perfectly UNBalanced Living” is coverage of the fundamental “cost of living”.  For those who haven’t figured it out yet, “living” comes with a fairly high associated cost – and it tends to increase with time.  If you’re short on covering the cost of living base, you run short on living, period. 

“Coasting”, benign neglect, and/or playing fast and loose with the cost of living base while it slowly erodes is a poster plan for failure.  An ample-to-luxurious cost of living foundation is provided early in life by parents, society at large, governments and communities to help launch us into the world.  Fact of life #1:  It won’t carry us the full distance; Fact of life #2: Erosion is continuous.  Fact of life #3:  If we are to become ALL we can be, we will need not only to keep up with the cost of living erosion but to broaden and solidify the base at every opportunity and to every possible advantage.  

Life’s Circumstances Change
We move from being infants to children, from students to workers, from trainees to employees, from “Indians” to “chiefs”, from single to married, from married to parents, from uninsured to insured, from establishing a cost-of-living base to building equity, from debt to solvency, from solvency to investment, etc.  During such transitions, we adjust our “balance sheet” to meet the unique demands of each phase of life.  When we’re single and building equity, we may give less attention to family than when we are parents.  

“You have to make time for family.  A little less now, frankly, because they’ve grown up … “  Pearse Lyons, Founder & President of Alltech, Inc.
 
“’Now [with school-age children] is not the time [for starting an entirely new enterprise.]  My kids come first.’  But, like the successful women she writes about, [Liz] Cornish knows what she wants.  She has her mind set on it.  So it’s a safe bet, she’ll get there.”  Robin Roenker writing in “Kentucky Alumni” Summer 2007, p 15

The “Job” isn’t necessarily the “bad guy”
There are 24 hours in every day and we can’t use 16 of them dedicating every minute to “quality family time” and “self-enrichment” activities.  Work has a certain priority – all other things NOT necessarily being equal.  It’s what puts food on the table and a roof over our heads, and makes everything else we do more probable, portable and “potable”, less hassle and more fulfilling.  It also keeps us gainfully out from under the feet and in the face of those we love who need their own “space” to do their own thing. 

A former boss declared he was retiring to spend more time with his family. But he found that his expanding family had developed such busy lives of their own (with numerous grandchildren added to the mix) that they couldn’t accommodate all of his new-found ‘free” time on THEIR schedules!  

And if we’re intentional about work, it can provide a large portion of life enrichment experience for both ourselves and our families – as an outlet for our creativity, as an outlet for our desire to make a positive difference in the world, as a way to “prove ourselves” and generate true self-esteem, and as a pathway to “belonging” to a legitimate fighting force – being “in the game”. 

“I was distraught about how much my job was interfering with my life … until I realized how much my “life”, as I had come to know and appreciate it, depended on my job.”
 
Present Versus Future
The greatest challenge in balancing life is pitting the present against the future. 

How can we justify sacrificing whatever “good life” we can have NOW for an indefinite future that may or may not come to pass? 

The problem with NOW … is that it is in between everything else. 

It lies between rising and retiring ... 
            … Between meals … 
            … Between phone calls ... 
            … Between crises ... 
            … Between cups of coffee ... 
            … Between … well, almost everything. 

More often than we would care to admit or have brought to our attention, we treat NOW as a “coasting” period … something just to be filled by “BEING” before the next “happening” or other intervention on our radar.  Anything not pressing or distressing can wait an indeterminate time until it becomes so. 

And if we do not heed the admonitions of wisened others to “Seize the Day” and “Stop and Smell the Roses” NOW, it is implied that we will surely have lost something of inestimable value.  Even biblical passage admonishes us to “Have no thought for tomorrow.”

But biblical passages throughout – and life, without equivocation – also says that there comes a time of “reckoning” where a lack of preparation for the future brings us up short:  

            “It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”                                Howard Ruff

 “I give much thought and energy to the future, for that is where I expect to spend the rest of my life.”                                                  Charles F. Kettering

Balancing is not a “Still-Life” Proposition, in any case
If you are going to make a conscious effort to “balance” life, understand that balancing is an active process.  It takes energy and intentionality and focus.

 Do not underestimate the negative impact of off-line, and unfocused activity.  

A State of Flow
Interestingly, if you give life full INtentional Attention, you will achieve a state called “FLOW” in which, doing ONLY that which is related to your GOAL, you can live completely without a “list of things to do”.  [Ref. “Finding Flow”, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi]

 

 

Additional References of Interest
Newsweek (Letters to the Editor) November 7, 2005, p. 24
Teena Long Cahill, Psy.D., Princeton, NJ

“I applaud Marie Wilson’s statement “When Women Lead” [Newsweek, Oct. 24, 2005] that there is ‘no real balance of work and family for women in America.’  However, I do not see this lack of balance as a bad thing.  I believe the concept of balance in life is just an elusive myth that floats through the culture, serving only to render women guilty for having failed at one more thing.  Life does not come at us in regularly modulated units.   Rather, it pounds away at us unevenly, with twists and turns and in torrents.  Being perfectly perched on a high wire, afraid to move lest we destroy our delicate balance, just doesn’t cut it.  Life requires action.  Our vision should not be this myth of balance, but rather the understanding that we were born resilient, with the ability to survive, flourish and bounce back from adversity.  Let’s stop pointing out all of the problems women face and talk about solutions such as learning skills and strategies to enhance resilience so that women can further develop their innate strength, step forward on the paths they choose and know they have the ability to succeed.  This is a better vision for women – and a true[r] one.”

 

Final – and Perhaps Most Important Thought
Inner balance – the ability to maintain some semblance of equilibrium in spite of everything going on around you – is the most critical element in a fulfilled life.  It’s not about how much of everything you want to do you can get done, but how you’re “wired”, how well you’re “anchored”, what you believe and how well you cope.  All of these horizons can be expanded with discipline and intentionality, and this should be a continuous process. 

A “Perfectly Unbalanced Life” is one in which the higher self holds presiding command.  The higher self and lower self – the “Indian” and the “Chief” – do not have equal rights and entitlements in the lives of the successful.  Perhaps this one principle, more than any other, exemplifies why smelling the roses and savoring sunsets and “giving in to the child within” have their limits.  While a mid-summer night’s sunset can be an awesome sight sitting on a pier in bare feet wearing a tattered tank top and shorts, a mid-winter sunset is much more glorious when viewed from the top of a mountain in a warm coat than it is from under a cardboard box over a steam grate wrapped in garbage bags.